Rewriting

I doubt you will read this space of mine anymore . Lol ..

You let me go and you held me back . Im happy . Thanks .

I thought no matter how much this changed . You would at least still ask , whether was I alright . I thought at least when you knew how cold i was , you would hug me tight like before but i guess its all fading . Catherine ask me , why do i keep everything to myself , i just tell her because i dont want to be a burden , " I just want to be there for him when he needs me , it doesnt matter if he pushes me away when he doesnt.. " These 10 days when we seperated , i was fading and she was coming into th picture . Do you know how delighted and happy i was when you told me to be yours again ? Too happy tt i teared . How foolish , when i know all this will not be th same anymore . First time , when you held me back again , I was overjoyed ! I held on hope tt we will be th same as before , but now its all gone . I know deep down , no matter how much i try , no matter how much i pray , I will never be th shining one in yr heart anymore .

But this is what i deserve . I dug my own grave , making you tired of me . And tts why you left . I am th cause of all this . I have no rights to complain to you , tts why now when im hurt , when im jealous , when im crying , when i feel unfairly treated , i wont tell you . I dont have th rights and i dont want you to feel tired again . No matter how painful i feel in my heart , no matter how bad my health is , i just keep it to myself . I dont want to become a burden to you .

You're th reason im staying here . I pray hard tt in this picture , there is only me and you and not another her . But i guess im slowly fading , becoming smaller in this picture . You ask me why i cant sleep , the reason is you . I think of you all night , i go to sleep at 2am / 3 am every morning , waking up at 7.30 or earlier every morning . Why ? Because i am thinking of you , dreaming of our future .

I stare at my phone always at home , because im waiting fr yr message . And when my phone vibrates , i wish it was you . And when its you , I smile to myself . because i know i still occupy tt space in you at tt moment . I guess i just love you too much , tt i want you all fr myself but i know tt its selfish , and i dont want to share you with anybody else . When you need someone , im always here and i wish tt when you want to talk to someone , im th first one tt comes to yr mind and not anybody else . But when you dont need me , its okay . I will wait till you need me , and i'll be there . Im always by yr side , you will always be in my heart . I promise

When I first met you , I never would have imagined that i would have such strong feelings for you . I never would have thought tt i would have dreams about you or miss being by yr side or get butterflies in my stomach when someone mentions yr name . When i first met you , i never would have thought that i would love you . But its a fact now tt i have very strong feelings for you , I have dreams about you and i miss being by yr side . I get butterflies in my stomach when someone mentions yr name and its th truth tt I LOVE YOU .

Healed

15November2010



Baby , you really came back . And this time i promise I'll change . I'll change to be a stronger person , I'll change to trust you more , I'll change to be not easily jealous , I'll change to be a better person , for me and us . I promise I wont be easily bullied anymore , I know its for my own good . I know you did this to make me stronger . You meanie ): Make me so confused ! ): But its all th past now , lets create more memories and not turn back . I love you !!

050510 (L)



19November2010



Went to baby house in th morning to takecare of that lazy baby of mine ! ^^ hehe . MACDONALD BREAKFAST ! HAPPY MEAL ! ^^ HAHA !! <3 . Than went to bb house and webcam with ellis ^^ . hehe ! After tt went bishan with darling to buy contacts ! Tpy with girls after tt , than to ellis house ! It was raining , damm it . And we all ran and stroll in th rain ! ALL WET ! HEHE ! Hope you liked our surprise and th present ! HEHE !! Had talks and alot of unglam photo taking ! HEHE !! Pictures all in wen min's fb (: . Than cabbed home cause was rushing to tuition ! SMILES (:

And i would like to thank all th people we cared for me . Esp my dear matos and babes ! ^^ You guys motivated alot . thanks ! I LOVE YOU !

Giving

My heart is aching , why dont you know ? Why dont you just give me chance to touch you again ? Last night i dreamt tt you were so near but so far to reach . I guess it was all my fault , fr th failures of this relationship . 3 days , 3 nights . Sleepless nights . I promised tt i would be strong , but what to do . I just love you too much . And now i lost you . I saw alot of stuff tt made me jealous , but i cant be jealous because i dont have th rights to be anymore right ? I see couples on th streets , in th televisions , all around me but i could not do anything but just envy . Envy how happy they are , and looking at myself how pathetic . What could i say ? She is much prettier , she is perhaps more careful , less fussy, not easily jealous . And what am i compared to her ? Nothing . So what rights do i have to be jealous ? All i could do it swallow everything down my throat . Let my heartache , cry myself to sleep to escape from reality . But when i wake up , realiy is back .

I fell sick , but th first thing in my mind was still you . Are you alright ? Have you ate yr meals ? Whats wrong with you charmaine ? Who are you ? Will he know all this , will he even give you tt one more chance ? Why are you damm hell crying ?? No matter how much you cry , he wont turn back and give a hug anymore . You fell down , but he is not there to pull you back up anymore . You know all this , why are you hoping tt he will suddenly appear there to hug you or to even pull you back ? You told me you will keep my heart , you told me you will not throw it away , but you threw it back at me , broken .

But dear , i love you soo much . What am i going to do ? Become stronger ? But will you even want me back ? ..

Misery

Another day , another story . Somehow i wished you were by my side but i know its just not possible . Baby perhaps you dont know but actually , i kept an album full of our pictures . Lol , just tt i kept it safe x) Lol . Today i flipped it open , saw our memories from th first picture we took , th memories i wrote , My tears flows again . How sweet we were , can you remember ?
Today in novena , i saw th couples walking pass me , you just came back to my mind again . Than I saw their hands , it just somehow reminds me how you tried to hold my fr th first time . I saw how catherine and aston kissed , it just reminds me how you first kissed me . Somehow , my tears just fall again . I was limping , felicia was holding me , how i wished tt one holding me was you ..
Daddy asked me what happen to me , i dont know how to answer . He asked me how are thing between us , i could only say " Yeah , we're doing well " . Today i accidentally dropped my ss book and i saw th rainbow you drew fr me and you writing " Can i be yr rainbow forever ? " I cried .. Today I went to place we went often , th amk playground . I saw th swing and th flasback of you pushing me on th swing comes back again .. Again , i cried . I played "wonderful tonight" , it make me remember we trying to learn tt song on th piano and my tears fell into th piano keys ..
I made you tired , it was my fault . I am th cause of all this , i cant blame anyone . 11:11 , I just hope one day when i become stronger , you would come and ask me to be yours again . Tts my wish . You told me you were going to celebrate my birthday with me this year and not let me celebrate alone again and when i heard it was really thrilled but i guess this year is gonna be th same again . Dear , takecare of yrself alright ? Remember to eat ! ALWAYS DONT EAT ): . Must eat alright ? I love you .

Hurt

My heart is burning , my heart is breaking and now its gone . I can barely breathe , I can barely smile now but since i promised you i will . I just hope tt even we've gone seperate ways , someday you will back by my side . Perhaps my angel is gone , I seriously thought tt you will never let go of each other . I though tt out love was as strong as what we thought , but i guess sometimes i have just gone too overboard . I love you too much but i guess i just dont know how to love you , th way i love you is just wrong . That it got you too tired . I told myself not to cry but i just cant stop .
Promise me , Dont ever do anything stupid . Takecare of yrself alright ? Sick must go see doctor or else i will be very sad ): Do well fr yr Olevels .
I'll remember yr promises and I hope it will be fuffiled some day . My dear chicken , I'll wait . I'll wait till th day you come back to me , no matter how long . I will . I'll wait till i can be officially your's again . Because I believe .
Chicken , I love you too much . It has Overwhelmed what i thought it would be , Why does my heart hurt soo much ? I dont know ..